Forgiving Yourself and Letting Go

Today's reflection was written for me...

BETTER DEAD THAN RED

"Though your sins be like scarlet, they may become white as snow; though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool." –Isaiah 1:18

You've heard of "white lies." Actually, there is no such thing as a colored lie. There are no black, green, orange, or white lies. However, the Lord does refer to colored sins – at least the color of scarlet: crimson red. As a scarlet red stain is sometimes the most difficult to remove, so certain sins are the most difficult to forget and to forgive ourselves for committing. Even after we have repented, gone to Confession, and been forgiven, we still feel guilty and ashamed.
We must soak in the bath of God's Word (Eph 5:26) if the stain of scarlet sins is to be removed. During Lent, we have a special opportunity to soak in God's Word. Jesus inspired Lent when He overcame the temptations of Satan by repeatedly quoting God's Word (see Mt 4:1ff). At Lent especially, we should abide in God's Word (Jn 8:31). If we do, the truth of God's Word (see Jn 17:17) will set us free (Jn 8:32) from the persistent guilt of scarlet red sins.

Seems this entire Lenten season has been made up of Mass readings just for me. I am reading an amazing book right now called "The Invisible Bond: How to break free from your sexual past". Basically it is all about how sex is intended for your life marriage partner and is one of God's most precious gifts to us. But, the gift becomes a liability when you have multiple sex partners. It is explained that with every sexual partner you have ever had, a piece of your heart and the others are left connected, even when the person is from a long time ago. This is why God intended this intimacy to be with one partner, ONLY. That bond should be only with your one life partner and no one else. But, how do people do this nowadays? How do we teach our children to wait for "the one"? Almost seems impossible and unrealistic in today's society, but boy, at 42 years old, I see WHY it is so important to WAIT.

If you have read "My Story", you can see clearly I am FULL of sexual sin and it has always left this dark cloud over my life. I have asked God for forgiveness over and over again and yet I still feel so unworthy of His forgiveness. I have always felt this HUGE tug to serve God in some way, and yet, with all this guilt and darkness, it seems I am not WORTHY to serve God. How can someone like me be capable of being clean and pure enough to ever be taken seriously by my church, my priest, my friends, my family and, most of all, my husband? And, how can God look at me and see a daughter worthy of His love?

These feelings are MY fault! God has forgiven me. So, why is it so hard for me to ditch the black cloud and forgive myself? Sex has always felt dirty and bad. Something you do because you HAVE to, not because you WANT to. I am desperately trying to overcome this and learn to enjoy being intimate. My husband deserves this and so do I. Today's reading spoke to me because I KNOW I need to forgive myself the way God has. I need to get out from under the black cloud.

I have felt the call to become a Lay Carmelite but have been scared to head down that road because of my sinful past. But, MAYBE, just maybe it's time to let go and let God decide what I am worthy of, or not. I have a LONG way to go in my healing process...phew, what a journey this has been. How wonderful to know that God still wants to use me for something good and that my life hasn't been wasted.

And how blessed I am to have a husband who loves me for ME! The good, the bad and the ugly!

Aspergers & Depression

My poor Kevin. 18 years of suffering, trying to deal with his illness. I still need to write his story on here, but just haven't had a lot of time to sit here and do it. Just trust me when I say he has had a very difficult life. One of his biggest issues, due to his Aspergers, is dealing with depression. His loneliness and lack of social skills makes his days long and sad. He works hard to keep a smile on his face, and most days he can manage to do it. BUT, every once in a while, he loses strength and collapses.

Last night was one of those nights.

12:30 am, my 18 year old young man became my little boy again. Sobbing on the side of my bed, telling me he wants to hurt himself. He cried he wanted to die. All the praying in the world that I do for him, some days seem useless. He sobbed and sobbed. I asked him if he needed me to take him to the hospital, and he said he might need to. I KNOW he is bad when he says he might have to go. (he has had numerous hospitalizations over the years for suicide attempts and anger...and NONE of those hospital stays are good memories for him) We talked for a while. He cursed God for making him this way. I told him, reassuringly that God has amazing plans for him and his life, but he doesn't believe it. The sobbing continued and finally I asked if he wanted to sleep in my room, next to my bed. He said yes, and grabbed his blankets and made a little cocoon next to me. I could hear him sniffle a little while longer until he finally fell asleep.

Kevin hasn't wanted to take medication (he has been off of it for 3 years now) because he hates feeling like a zombie.  But, I think it is time. I want him to feel better. There is only so much I can do to keep him above water, and it's not working anymore. Please pray for him. He is a wonderful young man with a tough road. I know how hard he works everyday, TRYING to be as normal as he can. I love him more than life itself...but there is only so much Mom can do.

Kevin's Drawing...he is amazing!

This was a HUGE backdrop he drew and painted for us on Halloween as part of our Haunted Walk

Why Just Pick on Christians?

The state of Maryland has approved Gay Marriage...the 8th state to do so. Before you say "Oh, here goes another Bible thumper who is going to bash homosexual marriage", that's not what this is about. As I read through comments on facebook and other social media sites, I see one common theme...someone brings up the fact that it's morally wrong and the immediate response to that comment is "Why must Christians butt in and Bible thump their beliefs on others?", or "separation of church and state, this Country is no longer a Christian country so why keep those old fashioned morals in this Country?", yada, yada, yada!

Well, news flash! It is NOT just Christians who have these moral beliefs. It's not just the Bible that says it's wrong...let's see what others have to say.

The Qu'ran:

The Qur'an and Homosexuality:
There are five references in the Qur'an which have been cited as referring to gay and lesbian behavior. Some obviously deal with effeminate men and "masculine women." The two main references to homosexual behavior are:
"We also sent Lut : He said to his people : "Do ye commit lewdness such as no people in creation (ever) committed before you? For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds." Qur'an 7:80-81
"What! Of all creatures do ye come unto the males, and leave the wives your Lord created for you? Nay, but ye are forward folk." Qur'an 26:165

The Torah

Traditional Judaism considers homosexual acts as a violation of Jewish law (halakha).
In Leviticus 18:22, it is written: "And you shall not cohabit with a male as one cohabits with a woman; it is an abomination."

And in Leviticus 20:13, it is written: "And if a man cohabits with a male as with a woman, both of them have done an abominable thing; they shall be put to death; their blood falls back upon them."

 Buddhists

 (those who live outside the monastery) are expected to adhere to Five Precepts, the third of which is a vow "not to engage in sexual misconduct."

Sikh

The Sikh sacred text, the Guru Granth Sahib, is the highest authority in Sikhism. It is silent on the subject of homosexuality. However, there are parts of the Guru Granth Sahib that have been interpreted to mean that homosexuality is wrong.
There are five vices outlined in the Guru Granth Sahib that are to be avoided by Sikhs. These vices are called the Five Thieves. They are Pride (a’Hankar), Anger (Kr’odh), Greed (Lob’H), Attachment (Mo’H), and Lust (K’haam). Many Sikhs believe that homosexual thoughts and behaviour are just manifestations of lust, and that it is therefore forbidden.

Hinduism

Homosexuality is a complex matter in Hinduism because of the many types of religious life. In general, "twice-born" Hindus are prohibited from homosexual acts (maithunam pumsi), such as in Manusmrti 11:174, which mentions both men and women. 

So, why is it when someone mentions homosexuality is morally wrong, people jump on the "you must be a Christian" bandwagon? I constantly hear "This country is made up of ALL religions...how dare you throw your Christian morals on me?"...well, they are partially right. This Country is made up of ALL religions, but guess what? MOST (not all...I'm not an idiot), but MOST believe that homosexuality is morally wrong!!!!! Can ALL these religions be wrong? If homosexuality is ok, then why is that some of the biggest religions in the world ALL say the same thing?

My point of this blog isn't to bash homosexuals. As a Christian, I am to love the person but hate the sin! (the Torah says this, too) But, the argument that "those darn Christians are Bible thumping again" is wrong. Maybe we are the loudest group? Who knows? But, before you bash the Christians for voicing their concerns on this matter, maybe these people need to look at who they are talking to. It might just be a Buddhist they are arguing with! ;)