Saturday, March 31, 2012

Saturday Craziness

Well, yesterday Emma, Bo, Kevin and I went to the Humane Society to pick up Meredith. We got there and went in to see the older cats and when Kevin knelt down to pet Meredith, here comes this little gray cat. He jumped on Kevin's lap, climbed up to his shoulder, rested his head on him and began to purr. Kevin looked at me and said, "this is our new cat!"...after looking for a while, there was no doubt he had picked US. So, we left Meredith behind and brought home Dusty. His name has been changed to "Pollock, the Warrior Cat" Dad is Polish and said his name had to be Pollock. The kids fought with him for days saying it was a bad name. But, now, it looks like it's stuck. Poor cat! He is a bit nervous, exploring his new surroundings. He has been meowing a lot, but I am thinking he is probably missing his feline companions. He ended up sleeping between Eric and I last night, until Gideon jumped in our bed sometime during the night and scared him off! LOL

Pollock, The Warrior Cat
Today I am re-potting my veggies. I planted seeds in an indoor greenhouse last weekend and in one week, they have outgrown their little habitat. I am going to put them in bigger pots, in case we move, I don't want to have to dig them up from the ground! Here is what they look like in just one week's time...

Veggies...1 week old
So, that's my update. Cleaning, re-potting and posting some more stuff on eBay. The de-clutter process is in full swing! 2 more days until we find out about the new house! Aaaaaak!

Friday, March 30, 2012

A Day in The Life...

Well, yesterday was upsetting and exciting, all in one...

First, I was off to the dentist, and what is only a 3 minute drive, turned into a disaster. My car was t-boned. I must say...thank God for Volvo's. My awesome "soccer-mom-mobile" only suffered minor damage to my rear driver's side door. Now, the other car is a different story. Her entire driver's side front was demolished. Stuff leaking everywhere...terrible. My first thought was she had to be hurt. She hit me HARD! I jumped out of my car and ran over there, with First Aid certification card, in hand, just in case...but, thankfully, she was unharmed. But, oh the guilt! She was so sweet, though and after the police came and we exchanged information, we hugged, I cried and we both went on our way. (her car had to be towed, mine drove away just fine) Insurance covers it all (thank God for that, too) so all is well, but boy, did it shake me up. Again, I repeat...BUY A VOLVO! I am amazed at how well my car handled the crash! It's an '89, but I am so grateful for my big box! I will forever own a Volvo!

Great start to the day...

BUT, what started out bad, ended awesome! Remember the house in my last blog? Well, we put a contract on it yesterday. The owner is meeting with his realtor on Monday (he already has the contract) and we are pretty sure he is going to sign! PRAYING we finally got our farm!

The right side of the house

The Stable

The backyard

Miss Meredith comes home today. The kids are fighting over a new name for her because they aren't thrilled with Meredith (and quite frankly, neither am I) Dad wants to name her Polock (being she is coming into a Polish family...he somehow thinks this is funny and the kids are arguing with him) Bo and Kevin have some video game name...I don't even know how to SPELL the's something like Deva-kitty. (named after Devakin sp?) Emma wants to name her Nala (after the female lion in The Lion King) I have a funny feeling she will have numerous names for a while. Poor thing. She has NO idea what her immediate future is going to be like, as she sits comfortably at the Humane Society.

And, last but not least, my son, Bo, turns 14 today! He asked me to pick him up at 12:30 from school today to start the celebration. I think I will! :)

Happy Birthday Bo!!!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Neglectful Blogger

What a busy week it has been so far. I feel like I have been MIA for a while. Eric was home sick all last week, and finally went back to work this past Monday after fighting a bad chest cold. It made its' rounds with the kids, too. Thankfully, it seems to be gone, now.

We didn't get the house we initially tried to get, but we have another possibility in the works. We'll see what happens. It is HUGE and out in the country with an acre of cleared land. (my veggies would grow great there! LOL)

House Hunting...Whaleyville, MD
I am actually more excited about this one then the other home we looked at. It has personality!!

Well, Emma has been looking at attending Most Blessed Sacrament Catholic School. She is so social. She doesn't mind home school, but I know she would be happier with friends around. We went and toured the school on Monday and she fell in love with it. If we can make the numbers work, we will consider it. It's a fabulous school!

Most Blessed Sacrament Catholic School

We have a new addition coming into our family on Meredith!

Meredith, the cat
I found her at the Humane Society. She is 3 years old and the sweetest little thing in the world. She needs a good grooming, and will be beautiful when we finish with her! The kids are so excited! (Mommy is too)

And, last but not least, I ordered Gideon's Kindergarten curriculum this week and it will be arriving UPS today! I can't wait to get started with him. We use Seton Home Study and after completing the Bob Jones Pre-K program with him, I felt he was ready. He is a year ahead of himself...and that's without pushing him. He LOVES doing school work, and it's never a fight.

Gideon...4 years old
So, that's my update. I won't stay away so long from now on. Just been a crazy week! :)

Saturday, March 24, 2012

The Modest Catholic

So, a while back I had joined a yahoo group of women who were Catholic and head covered. I thought it would be nice to join a group to help me on my journey. Well, I have to tell you, it started off ok, but I most definitely didn't fit in. I am  trying to live a more modest life, but I don't live on an Amish farm... I have a TV with cable, I have a computer, a cell phone, and oh children watch Nick Jr! As much as I wish I could wear dresses 24/7, sometimes it's just not possible. But, does this make me any LESS modest? I don't think so. The thing that made me leave the group was how I was humiliated for having a facebook page. I was told facebook is evil with too many temptations (ex-boyfriends, etc) and inappropriate first they made me feel quite low. But it didn't take long for me to realize this was NOT the group for me.

Funny enough, last night Eric and I watched a documentary on NatGeo (ooooh, I watched TV, my bad) on Hasidism. The show followed individuals and families who lived in the Hasidic community. From marriage, to having man went from a very strong Roman Catholic family where he was one of 10 children who found his calling as a Hasidic jew. (beautiful people, by the way) Towards the end of the program, one of the Rabbi's made a plea that Hasidism doesn't need to live so far away from the real world. There are so many opportunities to be a witness to people through social media, TV, even something as simple as your cell phone. I agree with this 100%...

As a Roman Catholic, who wants to live more modestly, to give up all the "wordly things" may be great for keeping ME on the straight and narrow, but what about others? If we separate ourselves from the world, who can we witness to? Of course Facebook could be bad...but what if you use it for good? Think about all the people who read what you write everyday. Even if they read it and say to themselves "there she goes...talking all that religious mumbo jumbo again"...maybe, just maybe, I have planted a seed?! You never know the people you may touch with your words, thoughts and actions.

I left that group that made me feel "less than worthy" and decided to start my own yahoo group. Guess it's possible no one will join, but maybe for the few that do, I will find some other catholic women who feel the way I do. Modesty, head covering and living a bit more traditional, does NOT mean giving up everything in the "real world" me it means being a witness to the "real world"!

Modest Catholics

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Introducing Another Kid...Bo

Back to my kid intros...

Francis William, aka "Bo", born March 30th, 1998 (14 yrs old in 9 days)

Bo on his way to NJHS Banquet Feb 2012

Bo, Bo, Bo...child number 4

Bo is THE family clown. His personality is amazing. He is the social one of the bunch, always making people laugh with his silliness.

Valentine Cards he made to give out in 4th grade (maybe 5th grade?)

Yet, he is in National Junior Honor Society for his straight A's and good attitude in school. He plays clarinet in the middle school band (he is an 8th grader) and will continue playing in high school next year. He played soccer when he was younger with Ryan and Emmalee, but he never really took it seriously. He did it for the fun of it all.

Bo the goalie

Bo is usually happy-go-lucky, but seriously do NOT make him angry. (he is scary when he's mad) Like all my children, he is sensitive and his feelings do get hurt very easily. He is a good brother, especially to Kevin. Him and Kevin have always had a special bond...Bo has always been understanding of Kevin's feelings and needs. They have a fabulous friendship.

Bo & Kevin at Assateague Island, Summer 2011

Bo has been a great companion and a wonderful son over the years and continues to make me very proud!

Me & Bo at the Haunted House, Wildwood, NJ

Me (pregnant with Elliott) & Bo at soccer
Bo 2011 (7th grade)
Bo Should Have Paid Attention to the Sign

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

So Much For Grace

It makes me sad to think there are still fellow Christians who believe Catholics are not true Christians. I have purchased many head coverings over the past several months, as I feel I have been called to cover. (haven't figured out why yet, but the tug was very strong...too strong to ignore) I have purchased head coverings from Mennonites, Protestants and I even have an Islamic woman I shop from who now refers to me as her "Catholic Sister"...

One particular shop I have enjoyed is called Garlands of Grace. I have recommended her items to fellow Catholics and Protestants, alike. Well, no more. She recently posted on her facebook page something that really bothered me. It says,

"In response to several ladies who have wondered and many others who have presumed, I am compelled to share: Garlands of Grace in NOT a Catholic run business. I am burdened for all who stand with the Catholic Church and would plead with you to come out and believe the Word of God. 

"This is the stone which was set at nought of you builders, which is become the head of the corner. Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved." Acts 4:11-12"

REALLY? She is BURDENED for all who stand with the Catholic Church? Now, if this were her personal opinion, so be it. But, she made this public on her BUSINESS profile. I think it is very sad to think there are those who feel this way. I love ALL my Christian sisters, regardless of their denomination. 

So, needless to say, so much for grace. I will NOT be purchasing anything from her anymore and will no longer recommend her items. I'm sure her business will go on with or without me. There is now a new facebook page for Catholic Coverings.

Everything happens for a reason, and I am happy to have found some fellow Catholic sites to shop from. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Getting Rid of the Stains

This was today's reflection from the daily readings...

If we've fallen into sexual sin, Satan may have robbed us of good relationships, self-respect, innocence, or peace of mind. We can repent, confess our sins, despoil him, and get back what we've lost to sin. We can feel as pure and innocent as when we were little children. We can get rid of guilt and regain peace. Knock the weapons out of Satan's hand and repossess all your stolen property. In Jesus' name, quickly crush Satan under your feet (Rm 16:20).

Did you know that by having premarital sex (even if you are married to that person NOW) causes problems? Most people nowadays see sex as something we just's widely accepted. Turn on the TV and a woman is dressed like she's on the prowl.  Billboards on the side of the road show men and women barely dressed. Even the magazines you see when standing in line at the check out counter show pictures of women looking like they WANT sex. How can we NOT think sex, even casual sex and non-marital sex isn't ok? Society tells us it's just fine!

But, guess what? It's NOT God's design for us...NOT his plan.

Sex is something I have always seen as "dirty and bad" use women for sex, for their own pleasure, ONLY...women are just play things. This is exactly how I have grown up believing. Why? Because I didn't follow God's plan. From my first experience after being raped at 14 years old, I saw sex as something us women HAVE to do to get a guy and keep them happy. Give them sex, and they will love you back. WRONG!!!! Sex is something you save for the person you will spend the rest of your life with. God gave us a wonderful gift to share in marriage. When we misuse this gift outside of marriage, it leaves scars on us that seem to never go away. You become a part of that person, no matter how many, because God says once you have sex with someone, you become one. If this is true...I have become "one" with many and now I am left with feeling used and feeling guilty about all my sexual sin.

BUT, God WANTS me to ditch these feelings. There is hope. I am learning to let go of the guilt. Guilt is from Satan...Satan wants us to hold on to all those horrible feelings because, by doing so, we stay further away from God.

I now spend my mornings talking to God. I am studying and praying and working through all of these horrible feelings, and in doing so, I am feeling CLOSER to God. I'm stained...but God wants me to get as close to Him as possible. My prayer time is like using Tide with Bleach...LOL. Getting rid of all the horrible stains, one wash load at a time.

I am trying desperately to teach my children the right things where sex is concerned, but in today's society, it is so hard. They look at me like I'm nuts. But, I am planting the seed, with hopes that when decision time comes, they may do the right thing. All I can do is pray...and if they think I am being "too old fashioned" be it.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Misconceptions About Catholics & Heaven

I am asked all the time about how Catholics get to Heaven. There are so many misconceptions that Catholics believe you get to Heaven by doing good works, etc. Guess what are all wrong!

I found a wonderful explanation on that may help a non-Catholic understand exactly what Catholics believe...

The teaching is basically that any person who is baptized in a Christian faith, who tries to be a good person, and feels guilt when they fail, goes to confession, and receives the Eucharist and other Sacraments will go to heaven, eventually. Catholics are taught that very few people go directly to heaven when they die, -that is a privilege reserved for only the most saintly people, someone like Mother Teresa for example. Most Catholics will go to Purgatory before going to heaven. The idea is that only a perfect soul can be admitted to heaven, as nothing imperfect can exist in the presence of Almighty God. There are a lot of different ideas about what exactly Purgatory is, but basically it's a place the soul goes to be cleansed from all the effects of sin and made perfect. 

Catholics believe that anyone who dies with no mortal sin on their soul will go to heaven, eventually. If there are still imperfections and venial sins, these will need to be cleansed in purgatory, but there are only two destinations: heaven or hell, and the only determining factor is if you die in a state of mortal sin or in a state of grace. If you die in a state of grace, you will go to heaven, with or without the purgatory, if necessary. The leading a good life, praying, frequenting the Sacraments, etc. are all preparation for that last battle when you are dying and the devil is putting forth all his efforts: you need all the strength and grace that you can muster, with God's help, to face that final battle. Bottom line? Catholics believe you get to heaven by the grace of God given you through His Son, Jesus Christ - it is only through His Strength, and His Grace, that you will make it through this life, and the final battle to arrive victorious. Baptism is the necessary groundwork for this life long battle.

What about the rapture? 

The Catholic Church from the very beginning has understood and professed that Jesus Christ will return at the end of time.
As for the "rapture", there is no universal agreement among Protestant Churches on this subject. In fact, they've got so many variations on that issue, that you can't find agreement even amongst those who profess a rapture.
The Catholic Church rejects the heresy that Christ will "rapture" the Church prior to the Second Coming. This doctrine is a relatively new invention that dates back to the early to mid 1800's. It is based on a complete misreading of scripture and has no historical roots in Catholicism or Protestantism.
That said; the Church believes what Scripture actually teaches. That is, at the end of time Christ will return. At that time, the dead in Christ shall be raised and those Christians still living will be transformed in the "twinkling of an eye". Immediately following this event there will be the last judgment. Now if you want to call the transformation of the living, at the time of the resurrection of dead, a rapture, that's fine. But the term isn't found anywhere in Scripture or in the writings of the Early Church.

Will there be a period of tribulation and persecution prior to the end?
Scripture seems to imply it, as does Church teaching, but the seven year period some Protestants get hung up on, may well have already been fulfilled just prior to 70 AD.
The bottom line is this; since the beginning, the Church has faced various times of persecution and tribulation. It is said, in the last century more Christians were put to death for their faith than in the previous 19 centuries put together. So idea that Christ is going to take His Church out of the world to spare them persecution is not only unbiblical, it's unhistoric.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Give it to God

When we humble ourselves, we open the door to God and to healing, for the Lord "is stern with the arrogant but to the humble He shows kindness"

So hard to do...

The deeper I read, the more I am being opened up to the fact that I am far from humble and extremely prideful. NOT what God wants me to be. I found myself preaching to my husband yesterday and I think, in a sense, I was outwardly preaching to myself.

Eric worked all weekend on our mortgage application, going through old bills and finances. His stress level was through the roof, understandably so. He came out, sat down in the chair on the porch and looked like he wanted to hurt someone. I asked him what was wrong, and he said "After looking at our bills, we are so in over our heads, it's not even funny. How will we ever get out of this?" He continued on through the day being miserable and stressed out of his mind.

I thought back into all of my reading and felt compelled to talk to him. When we allow things to build up inside and stress us out, it is a form of being prideful. What???? How??? ask? Because, it is taking away from what our main focus SHOULD be. ANYTHING that takes away from our Godly focus is a form of pride. We need to give it ALL to God, no matter how big or small and trust that He will be there for us, through the good, and the bad.

Of course, then you must be careful not to just ask God for help. We have to remember to thank Him regardless of the outcome.

Maybe I pray, asking God to relieve us of the financial issues and help us get this house. Well, a week from now, the bank says "heck no!" and we are left to wonder, why didn't God answer our prayers? Guess what...He knows what is best for us. He DID answer our prayer! Even if we don't get the answer from God that we THINK we would like to have, we need to remember to THANK Him for answering because only He knows what is best for us. We have to trust Him and give Him thanks...

The good news is, Eric eventually got everything accomplished and all of our paperwork is in to try and purchase our new home. He is no longer stressed and we have both given it to God.

Try not to lose focus on God, even when things seem so overwhelming and massive. God will take the boulder off of your shoulder, if you let Him!

The new home we are trying to buy!

Emmalee Rose

Summer of 2011

So, notice I am not going in any particular order with introducing my kids. :)

Emmalee was born April 20, 2000 and is my ONLY girl. The running joke in our home is it's a good thing she was child number 5, because if we had had a girl first, I would NOT have 8 children! (it's a joke...calm down) It's true what they say, girl's are dramatic. Much different than raising boys. VERY different. But, I can NOT imagine my life without my little girl.

Mom, Emmalee & Kevin

She is exactly like me when I was little. I am sure my Grandmother would call her "Gabby Girl" too...she LOVES to talk. She is a beautiful girl, full of love and sweetness. She is very girlie, which surprises me because with all these boys in the house, I didn't think she'd have a chance. BUT, she is our "tough chick". She has attitude and can hang with the teenage boys better than anyone. Her brothers torture her to death, but she holds her own pretty darn well, hands on her hips and all! She is very athletic and loves to play soccer, too. Actually, any sport she enjoys...I love that she will get outside with her brothers and play football (and she throws a pretty good spiral, too).

Emmalee camping

I have watched my little girl grow into a wonderful young lady. She loves God and I see her always trying to do the right things by Him. She has always gone to public school, but this year, she started to really struggle with social issues and peer pressure and major amounts of "girl drama". She did NOT like it at all. After I started home schooling Elliott and Gideon, she came to us and begged that we allow her to try. After weeks of back and forth, we agreed and now she is home. I have seen a major, positive change in her since she got away from the school drama. I know she misses the social interaction, but she seems to be more sure of herself and less distracted.

Emmalee and her best friend at age 2, Kayla

Emmalee is being evaluated for Asperger's Syndrome, and although not officially diagnosed yet, we believe she has it, although NOT severe. She most definitely suffers from anxiety and depression but she is working very hard at working through these things.Funny enough, because of this, Kevin (the 18 year old) has become very in tune to when Emmalee is feeling bad and doesn't hesitate to offer her hugs and reassurance that she will be ok. They are very close, which cracks me up because there was a time when I thought they would kill each other! ;)

Emmalee 2010

Emmalee is a Papa's girl. She was 13 months old when Eric and I started dating and that man loves her more than life itself. She is constantly seeking Papa's approval and goes to him when she is hurt or down. A Papa hug always makes everything better!

Emmalee, the amazing sister & Gideon

I can't imagine life without my sweet, loving, intelligent, sporty, beautiful little girl!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Introducing My Kids

Since my blog is relatively new, I figured I should introduce my kids.

Today I will start with Ryan, my 15 year old, since tonight is the start of his Soccer Tournament in Ocean City, Maryland.

Born November 15, 1996, Ryan is my shy child. He didn't mumble his first words until he was almost 4, and with his cute stutter, it took him a while to speak properly. From day one, he loved sports! He played T-ball at age 5 and did terrific, but he was bored.

The following year he played soccer and we knew from the first practice that this was his sport! He has played soccer ever since!

Ryan is also an amazing drummer!  He has played in the band since elementary school and now plays in the concert band at his high school.

Drumming at the Talent Show in 6th Grade

He has always been well liked by his peers with his quiet demeanor and dry sense of humor. He is also my extremely sensitive boy. He doesn't show much emotion most days, but when something upsets him, you know it. He reminds me so much of my brother. His favorite sports team is the Philadelphia Flyers, and God knows if they lose, the whole house knows it. He is my caretaker, as well. When Mom isn't right, Ryan jumps in and gets the family moving with cleaning, cooking, etc. He tends to get upset when no one helps me. He is far from mushy, and most definitely going through the "15" stage, but he is a fabulous boy and turning out to be a wonderful young man. He does well in school (he is a freshman this year). He isn't a straight A student by any means, but he works hard and that is all I ask of him. He is also a very loyal person. Deep down he knows who he can trust and who he can't. He really has a good head on his shoulders.

So, tonight, we continue on our is something we have always shared. I have coached him in the past and now watching him play at a much higher level, he makes me so proud. This weekend is the yearly St Patty's Day Tournament in Ocean City and we really look forward to this event. Only bad thing is the first game is at 11:00 pm. (waaaaaaaay past Mom's bed time) :)

First year with Decatur Soccer Club, age 13
Fall Football

Papa & Ryan after a friendly game of football
Ryan being a good brother to youngest brother, Gideon
Will ALWAYS be my baby!

"Stimming" and Elliott

"What is stimming? Stimming (short for self-stimulation) is defined as a repetitive body movement that self-stimulates one or more senses in a regulated manner.  Psychiatry categorizes it as a “stereotypic behavior” – defined as a continuous, purposeless movement.

Some of the more common forms of stimming among autistic people include hand flapping, body spinning or rocking, lining up or spinning toys or other objects, echolalia, perseveration, and repeating rote phrases.  It may also include pacing, tapping or drumming fingers, clapping, grunting, humming, mouthing, and a variety of other repetitive behaviors."

We have noticed Elliott's stimming behavior getting so much worse.  He thrusts and flaps his hands, pulls his fingers inward, claps a few times meanwhile making grunting and barking noises (like a seal) that are quite loud. He can't control the stimming and seems to do it much more when his brain is on overload. (we see it get much worse when he is playing a game on my phone or on the computer) We have started taking video of his stimming, along with video of his outbursts and OCD traits so when we take him to the Neurologist, the doctor can see, first hand, what his behaviors are. He truly lives in his own world, his little eyes looking right through me. I always wonder what is happening inside his brain and what he is thinking.

When I tucked him into bed tonight (which is right next to mine) I said "I love you" and he said, "shhh, my brain needs to rest"...No kidding!!!! That brain needs a LONG, relaxing vacation! I love my Elliott!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Forgiving Yourself and Letting Go

Today's reflection was written for me...


"Though your sins be like scarlet, they may become white as snow; though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool." –Isaiah 1:18

You've heard of "white lies." Actually, there is no such thing as a colored lie. There are no black, green, orange, or white lies. However, the Lord does refer to colored sins – at least the color of scarlet: crimson red. As a scarlet red stain is sometimes the most difficult to remove, so certain sins are the most difficult to forget and to forgive ourselves for committing. Even after we have repented, gone to Confession, and been forgiven, we still feel guilty and ashamed.
We must soak in the bath of God's Word (Eph 5:26) if the stain of scarlet sins is to be removed. During Lent, we have a special opportunity to soak in God's Word. Jesus inspired Lent when He overcame the temptations of Satan by repeatedly quoting God's Word (see Mt 4:1ff). At Lent especially, we should abide in God's Word (Jn 8:31). If we do, the truth of God's Word (see Jn 17:17) will set us free (Jn 8:32) from the persistent guilt of scarlet red sins.

Seems this entire Lenten season has been made up of Mass readings just for me. I am reading an amazing book right now called "The Invisible Bond: How to break free from your sexual past". Basically it is all about how sex is intended for your life marriage partner and is one of God's most precious gifts to us. But, the gift becomes a liability when you have multiple sex partners. It is explained that with every sexual partner you have ever had, a piece of your heart and the others are left connected, even when the person is from a long time ago. This is why God intended this intimacy to be with one partner, ONLY. That bond should be only with your one life partner and no one else. But, how do people do this nowadays? How do we teach our children to wait for "the one"? Almost seems impossible and unrealistic in today's society, but boy, at 42 years old, I see WHY it is so important to WAIT.

If you have read "My Story", you can see clearly I am FULL of sexual sin and it has always left this dark cloud over my life. I have asked God for forgiveness over and over again and yet I still feel so unworthy of His forgiveness. I have always felt this HUGE tug to serve God in some way, and yet, with all this guilt and darkness, it seems I am not WORTHY to serve God. How can someone like me be capable of being clean and pure enough to ever be taken seriously by my church, my priest, my friends, my family and, most of all, my husband? And, how can God look at me and see a daughter worthy of His love?

These feelings are MY fault! God has forgiven me. So, why is it so hard for me to ditch the black cloud and forgive myself? Sex has always felt dirty and bad. Something you do because you HAVE to, not because you WANT to. I am desperately trying to overcome this and learn to enjoy being intimate. My husband deserves this and so do I. Today's reading spoke to me because I KNOW I need to forgive myself the way God has. I need to get out from under the black cloud.

I have felt the call to become a Lay Carmelite but have been scared to head down that road because of my sinful past. But, MAYBE, just maybe it's time to let go and let God decide what I am worthy of, or not. I have a LONG way to go in my healing process...phew, what a journey this has been. How wonderful to know that God still wants to use me for something good and that my life hasn't been wasted.

And how blessed I am to have a husband who loves me for ME! The good, the bad and the ugly!

Friday, March 2, 2012

Aspergers & Depression

My poor Kevin. 18 years of suffering, trying to deal with his illness. I still need to write his story on here, but just haven't had a lot of time to sit here and do it. Just trust me when I say he has had a very difficult life. One of his biggest issues, due to his Aspergers, is dealing with depression. His loneliness and lack of social skills makes his days long and sad. He works hard to keep a smile on his face, and most days he can manage to do it. BUT, every once in a while, he loses strength and collapses.

Last night was one of those nights.

12:30 am, my 18 year old young man became my little boy again. Sobbing on the side of my bed, telling me he wants to hurt himself. He cried he wanted to die. All the praying in the world that I do for him, some days seem useless. He sobbed and sobbed. I asked him if he needed me to take him to the hospital, and he said he might need to. I KNOW he is bad when he says he might have to go. (he has had numerous hospitalizations over the years for suicide attempts and anger...and NONE of those hospital stays are good memories for him) We talked for a while. He cursed God for making him this way. I told him, reassuringly that God has amazing plans for him and his life, but he doesn't believe it. The sobbing continued and finally I asked if he wanted to sleep in my room, next to my bed. He said yes, and grabbed his blankets and made a little cocoon next to me. I could hear him sniffle a little while longer until he finally fell asleep.

Kevin hasn't wanted to take medication (he has been off of it for 3 years now) because he hates feeling like a zombie.  But, I think it is time. I want him to feel better. There is only so much I can do to keep him above water, and it's not working anymore. Please pray for him. He is a wonderful young man with a tough road. I know how hard he works everyday, TRYING to be as normal as he can. I love him more than life itself...but there is only so much Mom can do.

Kevin's Drawing...he is amazing!

This was a HUGE backdrop he drew and painted for us on Halloween as part of our Haunted Walk

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Why Just Pick on Christians?

The state of Maryland has approved Gay Marriage...the 8th state to do so. Before you say "Oh, here goes another Bible thumper who is going to bash homosexual marriage", that's not what this is about. As I read through comments on facebook and other social media sites, I see one common theme...someone brings up the fact that it's morally wrong and the immediate response to that comment is "Why must Christians butt in and Bible thump their beliefs on others?", or "separation of church and state, this Country is no longer a Christian country so why keep those old fashioned morals in this Country?", yada, yada, yada!

Well, news flash! It is NOT just Christians who have these moral beliefs. It's not just the Bible that says it's wrong...let's see what others have to say.

The Qu'ran:

The Qur'an and Homosexuality:
There are five references in the Qur'an which have been cited as referring to gay and lesbian behavior. Some obviously deal with effeminate men and "masculine women." The two main references to homosexual behavior are:
"We also sent Lut : He said to his people : "Do ye commit lewdness such as no people in creation (ever) committed before you? For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds." Qur'an 7:80-81
"What! Of all creatures do ye come unto the males, and leave the wives your Lord created for you? Nay, but ye are forward folk." Qur'an 26:165

The Torah

Traditional Judaism considers homosexual acts as a violation of Jewish law (halakha).
In Leviticus 18:22, it is written: "And you shall not cohabit with a male as one cohabits with a woman; it is an abomination."

And in Leviticus 20:13, it is written: "And if a man cohabits with a male as with a woman, both of them have done an abominable thing; they shall be put to death; their blood falls back upon them."


 (those who live outside the monastery) are expected to adhere to Five Precepts, the third of which is a vow "not to engage in sexual misconduct."


The Sikh sacred text, the Guru Granth Sahib, is the highest authority in Sikhism. It is silent on the subject of homosexuality. However, there are parts of the Guru Granth Sahib that have been interpreted to mean that homosexuality is wrong.
There are five vices outlined in the Guru Granth Sahib that are to be avoided by Sikhs. These vices are called the Five Thieves. They are Pride (a’Hankar), Anger (Kr’odh), Greed (Lob’H), Attachment (Mo’H), and Lust (K’haam). Many Sikhs believe that homosexual thoughts and behaviour are just manifestations of lust, and that it is therefore forbidden.


Homosexuality is a complex matter in Hinduism because of the many types of religious life. In general, "twice-born" Hindus are prohibited from homosexual acts (maithunam pumsi), such as in Manusmrti 11:174, which mentions both men and women. 

So, why is it when someone mentions homosexuality is morally wrong, people jump on the "you must be a Christian" bandwagon? I constantly hear "This country is made up of ALL dare you throw your Christian morals on me?"...well, they are partially right. This Country is made up of ALL religions, but guess what? MOST (not all...I'm not an idiot), but MOST believe that homosexuality is morally wrong!!!!! Can ALL these religions be wrong? If homosexuality is ok, then why is that some of the biggest religions in the world ALL say the same thing?

My point of this blog isn't to bash homosexuals. As a Christian, I am to love the person but hate the sin! (the Torah says this, too) But, the argument that "those darn Christians are Bible thumping again" is wrong. Maybe we are the loudest group? Who knows? But, before you bash the Christians for voicing their concerns on this matter, maybe these people need to look at who they are talking to. It might just be a Buddhist they are arguing with! ;)