Forgiving Yourself and Letting Go

Today's reflection was written for me...

BETTER DEAD THAN RED

"Though your sins be like scarlet, they may become white as snow; though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool." –Isaiah 1:18

You've heard of "white lies." Actually, there is no such thing as a colored lie. There are no black, green, orange, or white lies. However, the Lord does refer to colored sins – at least the color of scarlet: crimson red. As a scarlet red stain is sometimes the most difficult to remove, so certain sins are the most difficult to forget and to forgive ourselves for committing. Even after we have repented, gone to Confession, and been forgiven, we still feel guilty and ashamed.
We must soak in the bath of God's Word (Eph 5:26) if the stain of scarlet sins is to be removed. During Lent, we have a special opportunity to soak in God's Word. Jesus inspired Lent when He overcame the temptations of Satan by repeatedly quoting God's Word (see Mt 4:1ff). At Lent especially, we should abide in God's Word (Jn 8:31). If we do, the truth of God's Word (see Jn 17:17) will set us free (Jn 8:32) from the persistent guilt of scarlet red sins.

Seems this entire Lenten season has been made up of Mass readings just for me. I am reading an amazing book right now called "The Invisible Bond: How to break free from your sexual past". Basically it is all about how sex is intended for your life marriage partner and is one of God's most precious gifts to us. But, the gift becomes a liability when you have multiple sex partners. It is explained that with every sexual partner you have ever had, a piece of your heart and the others are left connected, even when the person is from a long time ago. This is why God intended this intimacy to be with one partner, ONLY. That bond should be only with your one life partner and no one else. But, how do people do this nowadays? How do we teach our children to wait for "the one"? Almost seems impossible and unrealistic in today's society, but boy, at 42 years old, I see WHY it is so important to WAIT.

If you have read "My Story", you can see clearly I am FULL of sexual sin and it has always left this dark cloud over my life. I have asked God for forgiveness over and over again and yet I still feel so unworthy of His forgiveness. I have always felt this HUGE tug to serve God in some way, and yet, with all this guilt and darkness, it seems I am not WORTHY to serve God. How can someone like me be capable of being clean and pure enough to ever be taken seriously by my church, my priest, my friends, my family and, most of all, my husband? And, how can God look at me and see a daughter worthy of His love?

These feelings are MY fault! God has forgiven me. So, why is it so hard for me to ditch the black cloud and forgive myself? Sex has always felt dirty and bad. Something you do because you HAVE to, not because you WANT to. I am desperately trying to overcome this and learn to enjoy being intimate. My husband deserves this and so do I. Today's reading spoke to me because I KNOW I need to forgive myself the way God has. I need to get out from under the black cloud.

I have felt the call to become a Lay Carmelite but have been scared to head down that road because of my sinful past. But, MAYBE, just maybe it's time to let go and let God decide what I am worthy of, or not. I have a LONG way to go in my healing process...phew, what a journey this has been. How wonderful to know that God still wants to use me for something good and that my life hasn't been wasted.

And how blessed I am to have a husband who loves me for ME! The good, the bad and the ugly!